Stay... Still?

All the reminders today
Only serve to bring me to another place
No not to my knees
I beg you… PLEASE
SO not affected in that way!
One thing I do long for
Or dare I even use the word long
Because it doesn’t quite communicate
(you know, doesn’t make you appreciate)
What I’m really trying to say
What my mind wants to convey
If I can only STAY
…knowing understanding the need to sustain
Trust me! I just want to remain
In the clear, no pain
UNlike the way
That the space around my lungs
Suddenly
Emptied and tightened
That was then. Now here I stand
Load lightened
Hands clean, heart pure
And even still every now and then I’m unsteady, continuing unsure
Maybe it’s that I
Fail
To grasp logically
That that old part of me
That used to commune
Is supposed to be
DEAD.
But the words echo in my head…
Restoration is possible
Despite the odds
Reconciliation is not impossible
With God.
And like circular motion
These thoughts invoke
The unseemly notion
That this heart of flesh (you again!)
Is still running the same game
Turning the same tricks
Getting its kicks
By making me crazy insane!
And deceiving me,
Eventually one day leaving me
In the wounded place
That I barely escaped
Had it not been for the BLOOD…But still?