I want to share with you what the Lord has been doing in my life because it's so awesome! God has been rebuilding my confidence [through Christ] in myself. It may not be evident to others, but it is more than evident to me. I've second-guessed myself a whole lot, and I've felt like I don't fit in or belong in some circles. And that makes no sense! The Lord has seriously reinforced the fact that wherever God places me is where I belong. I "fit in" wherever I am because I am positioned by my Father in heaven. Joshua 1:3 reads, "Every place that the sole of your foot will tread upon I have given you, as I said to Moses." Wherever I go, God has given me that place to inhabit. With the confidence of Christ Jesus Himself! Not only this, but it occurred to me today that I don't have to second-guess myself with an attitude of uncertainty in myself when I walk in the living power of the Holy Spirit (the same spirit that raised Jesus from the dead! WOW!). Yes, I can exercise wisdom. Yes, I can examine myself -- my thoughts, feelings, and actions -- for pure motives. Yes, I can think twice about things, but I don't have to second-guess myself so much.
So here's a poem that I wrote when I was feeling particularly entrapped by this deficiency in my life...
Oh, Confidence...
the weighty essence
that qualifies and verifies my presence
How it evades me
sporadically
Leaving a chink in my armor
open for unbalancing uncertainty
to invade me
dramatically
altering my persona and personality
So that when the intimidating confronts
All I know is to scrunch down into a position of childlike immaturity
where I put on my naivete and wide eyed gaze
waiting for someone to offer me surety
through sugary words and gentle ways.
Here is what I've failed, quite beautifully, to understand
that what I pretend to be
for the sake of security
really is me.
The suit and I are one.
The suit of ignorance and doublemindedness
naivete and mindlessness
And seeing through a glass darkly
I find this mess...
what I assume I've seen
after looking in the mirror, then partly
forgetting my own face and identity
Obviously,
I'm not assured of the real me
which is why confidence escapes me
stranding me in the middle of a sea
of "I wish" and "I could be."
...Anyone felt this way before? There is a better way to live. A way to be sure. His Name is Jesus.
So I boldly say, "I am..." and let Jesus fill in the blank...
...I do love me some me.
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