I just realized that 22 has not been an easy year for me. I do a lot of thinking, sometimes too much, and I enjoy reflecting on my life. So I was thinking back over the past year, and that's when it dawned on me. I welcomed the completion of my 22nd year of life (don't get confused) with a huge bang, at least I thought it was. It wasn't an MTV My Sweet 16 type deal, but for me it was epic. I had an 80s birthday party, and I had some very dear friends around me celebrating with me. There was food, fun, music (80s), and I was dressed so 80s funky fresh! Little did I know that I was welcoming a year of my life that would be very different from my past years.
This year has been emotionally taxing. I've mourned lost friendships, allowed the Lord to mend my heart, rejoiced over mended friendships, entered the job market, endured unemployment, grappled with the difference between being without a job and being without a purpose. I've been alone (no longer surrounded by my very best friends all of the time), been lonely, enjoyed my solitude, watched friendships morph, missed my friends, missed my family. I've rebelled against the norm, exposed the bareness of my soul (on this blog and in real life), rebelled against my parents, rebelled against my conscience. I paid for that rebellion too. I've daydreamed, fantasized about my future, sort of had/have(?) a crush (I know crushes are so high school, but there's no better word for it), and firmly decided that I want a husband, and then realized that I've still got a lot preparing to do. I've celebrated friends' marriages, engagements, and new relationships. (Such joy!) I've fretted over my future, fretted over the unknown future of my loved ones, cried over my parents' illnesses and the pain and difficulty that they endure. I've dreamed and prayed about who I am and who I want to be and beaten myself down for not being what I should be. All of these things have had an emotional affect on me! Twenty-two has not been easy.
This year has been a socially challenging. I thought that I was a lot more confident and mature than I really am. I realize that I'm still wrestling with the angel concerning who Gavrielle is. I'm about to break this angel's hip. Try to go up Jacob's ladder then! And I've come to the conclusion that social interactions (with anybody!) are a lot more difficult when you don't really know who/what you are presenting. Who am I consistently? Who do I think I am consistently? Should there be a 22 mile gap between the two? I can perfect the Gavri that people see as much I as I want, but what's the use if there's a part of me that I keep locked away? There seem to be 22 layers of myself to go through!
This year has been spiritually awakening! Some things have to happen in life to get you moving in the right direction. I've had some of those things happen, and they've pushed into the arms of the Savior, really reviving my relationship with Him. All of the aching, wondering, questioning, crying, fearing, worrying, trying! Nobody can handle it better than Jesus Christ. I've spent more of myself in praise, gone deeper in worship, been half swimming and half drowning in grace, repented and forgiven myself over and over again, and kept moving towards Christ. I'm still pressing, and it's still not easy. Feels like an uphill battle sometimes, but His grace is sufficient for me. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. So I know there's 22 times 22 times 22 times 22 times 22 to the 22nd power, that much more grace left for me. Isn't that beautiful!
For the past month or so, I've been referring to myself as 23, and I kinda think that subconsciously I'm willing myself to go ahead and hit the 23 mark. Because 22 has been a little bit of a valley year, more valley than I've ever experienced in my admittedly young and new life. So thanks, twenty-two, for growing me and teaching more than I expected. Here's to you, 23, and to every day of my life. (My birthday is actually March 27... a little ways to go. lol)
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